Commentator Critique: Tracy Austin

Let's just say we're lucky that Miss Tracy Austin only turns up at the majors. It's almost as if Austin's secret mission is to grind whatever meager TV ratings tennis still gets down into a fine dust. There is such a deeply rooted absence of excitement or even interest in her voice, you'd think she was describing insurance premium loopholes. Where's the joy, honey? It's a game...a glorious game! Get into it! Even worse, Austina frequently veers from disinterest into downright nastiness. To her credit, her technical grip on the sport is top notch, but that should be a given. Also, she doesn't play favorites. But as far as imparting drama and grandeur into the exquisite dialogue of a tennis match, she could be outdone by a rudimentary robot. Grade: C-

Lefty Madness!

Ladies and gentleman, get ready for a fascinating showdown this weekend between two of the men's tour's most intriguing southpaws. In one corner: Donald Young, the flashy 18-year-old American who is finally revealing what he can do out there after three years of unsubstantiated hype and who scored a major bonus when Richie "tummy ache" Gasquet pulled out of their scheduled 2nd round match. In the other corner: Feliciano Lopez, widely thought to be the handsomest player in the locker room and close confidant of Rafael Nadal. Both are sure to bring their most stinging topspin shots and wildly curving serves. The good news for Young? Lopez pretty much doesn't have a backhand. The upside for Lopez? Young has only won two ATP matches in his career. Let the best lefty win!

Blake's Brilliant Breakthrough

He may be viewed as something of an underachiever on the tennis court (so much talent, so few memorable results), but James Blake may have turned a massive corner last night in the 2nd round of the Open. Not only did he fend off the ultimate slice 'n' dice whirling dervish, Fabrice Santoro, who can drive players to the brink of insanity with his wispy shots, but he did it by besting his opponent in a decisive fifth set for the first time in his career. Blake was previously 0-9 in five set matches. Never won one, and everyone in the locker room knew he couldn't go the distance. Having ditched that monkey from his back, Blake may have finally unlocked the last mental shackle preventing him from soaring to the finish line of a major. Stay tuned!

Roger Steps Out in Black

Of course everyone knew Roger Federer would dismiss Paul Capdeville like a tardy pupil in their second round match this evening. But what would Federer wear? FedEx is giving some of the most stylish female players a run for their money with his rapidly expanding arsenal of fashion statements, and tonight's "black tie" attire—complete with tuxedo striped shorts—is sure to send him over the top. Naturally, Roger's close friend, Anna Wintour, was perched in his player's box, emitting invisible waves of approval with each and every nod of her head. Apres, the pair (plus that Mirka person) probably zipped over to Oscar de la Renta's penthouse for a midnight snack.

Breaking: Justine Actually Has Fans!

As this 100% original, undoctored photo proves, it seems that there are actually a few living, breathing individuals interested in collecting Justine Henin's autograph. With amazing bravery, these eager—or maybe just confused and misguided—fans risked contracting one of the Belgian's famous facial sores, or worse, having their souls erased by her wicked scowl! Racqonteur suspects this warm and fuzzy moment may have been orchestrated by one of Justine's agents as part of her ongoing "kinder, friendlier" makeover.

Ones to Watch

While the U.S. Open is still lumbering through the slew of lopsided routs typically seen in the 1st and 2nd rounds (poor Roberta Vinci only scraped one game off the court against Maria Sharapova, for example), Wednesday offers two intriguing matchups that might offer some legitimate excitement. First up on Ashe, Ana Ivana-more-ovic takes on the hard hitting French youngster Aravane Rezai, who shook things up in the Open's early rounds last year. Ana will still win, but she'll have to work that forehand hard. Later, Canadian superhero Frank Dancevic takes on that 6' 4" firecracker Marat Safin. This one's a coin toss. Equally uncertain? Whether or not USA Network will actually air these pairings instead of the expected top-seed blowouts.

Serena Offers Hope

After her understandably messy win over German soon-to-be-somebody Angelique Kerber, Serena Williams went through her usual post-match routine: praising her outfit (despite having had to tear the bow off at the end of the 2nd set), disparaging her performance, and denying her opponent even one tiny crumb of credit for making her work hard. We've heard it all before. The fresh news—and a ray of hope for anybody out there flailing around on a court—came at the end, when 'Rena revealed that she was once an incompetent player. "I was terrible. I couldn't hit hard. I hit lobs and slice. I'm amazed that I've come this far. I was terrible. Only thing I could do was run fast. I had like a terrible serve. Oh, my God. I had the worst forehand. When I look back at old films my dad had, I'm like, I would have quit on her. It pays not to give up because somewhere along the line I changed." It's so encouraging to hear that Serena didn't come out of the womb firing off those slice serves down the line or cracking cross-court backhand winners.

On a Rolle!

Hooray for the mysteriously named Asha Rolle. Racqonteur previously assumed this minor personage on the tour was some kind of taciturn, stocky and hot-headed Austrian mädchen prone to errant volleys and first-round losses. Turns out she's a slightly stocky serve and volleying African American 22-year-old from Miami. Mitteleuropean or not, it was delightful to learn that this minor-league trooper (having never won a match at a grand slam) pulled through against Tatiana Golovin in the first round of the Open on Monday night, logging 21 of 26 points at the net for a 6-2 in the third victory. Cheers! Let's hope Rolle celebrated with a delicious schnitzel, or rather, some kind of Miamian culinary specialty, whatever that is!

Roger's Puttin' on the Ritz

Delving ever further into the love-fest between Roger Federer and Vogue editrix Anna Wintour, Racqonteur was delighted to see that the mighty bobbed-one threw a proper New York socialite soiree for his Rogerness on the eve of the Open. Vogue the magazine and Federer the icon share a certain kind of inevitability; the assumed success and complete ownership of their respective fields that elite-types eat up like so many slices of foie gras terrine on toast points. Stepping out to air-kiss the dominator in their late-summer finest? No lesser silver spooners than Marina Rust, Lauren duPont, Amanda Cutter Brooks and Aerin Lauder. Roger really seems in his element among these swell swans. Can't wait to see who takes a town car out to sit in his box!

Here Comes the Rain Again

It's like clockwork. The U.S. Open Series reaches it's grand finale, and meteorological heck breaks loose all over the Northeast. The Pilot Pen tournament in New Haven was washed out today by consistent rain, providing what Racqonteur knows is but a preview of the waterlogged hours to come during the U.S. Open fortnight. A quick glance at the 10 day forecast for Flushing Meadows has more than a few instances of "scattered thunderstorms" and "showers." Ugh. Memo to the USTA: Time to get really high-tech and build one of them newfangled things that keep the wet out. What's that called again? Oh, yeah, a roof!